Tag Archives: difficult

Walking out…


My dear Friend/Relative/Lots of people in my Life,

First of all, allow me to begin by thanking you for all the great times we had. But I think it’s time for us to admit that we have reached a certain stage where our dynamics have been exhausted and it would be in the best of interests of both if I just walk out from here.

Believe me, I have done the idiotic mistake of carrying dead relations since small. I enjoy being in relations but in the moment or rather my desperate hope to cling to them, I simply missed their expiry date. (Most have oneL)

For instance, in Class VII, I was good friends with my class-mate. We used to sit together, go dance classes, tuitions together.  Then the friction started increasing and we stopped talking. Just for the sake of I don’t know why, we continued our activity together and continued being miserable. All the while, I could have part ways, make some new friends but I was I…

You may be wondering why I haven’t walked out yet…

  1. Civility. Sometimes, its like that tight jeans which makes you look cool but is totally suffocating.
  2. Pain of “Letting go”
  3. My fantasies would remain fantasies
  4. Fear of being alone
  5. Glimmer of hope of return (It sounds and it is desperate)
  6. Believing that it is the best I can get
  7. He/She is very vital to me

And probably more…

So, lets me amiable and unburden ourselves with our non-useful baggage and don’t tire ourselves out.

What if you continue to carry unnecessary stuff while packpacking?

Think if he continues to shove that blue bag with non-useful stuff…

You can claim:

I am expecting too much from Life.Maybe you are right, but I would prefer to make a mistake and know your value rather than stuck in a crushing compromise and curse you throughout.

It’s only your mind running wild. At the end of the day, am I happy? The answer came NO. If the surface of ocean is silent, it doesn’t mean it is silent.

What’s harm in keeping whatever we have. I am always going to be dejected around you. And as a result, negativity would start seeping inside. I would become grumpy and shall be looked as crappy person. Besides, the portion of brain would be better employed somewhere else.

I am the best that you can get. There are 6,973,738,432 people in world. I doubt that. Maybe I already have someone but I am ignoring him

Life is a compromise. Compromise is middle way and it doesn’t seem to me like that.

I will be truthful. Walking out of you will hurt a lot. It’s scary and dilemma of right and wrong but I would prefer in not getting dejected over someone who isn’t glad to have me, no point in forming bonds with you just we are blood-related, no point in belittling myself where every fault is inadvertently mine, no point in being a relation which cuts my wings.

You and I both deserve better.

I know I will be tempted to carry the dead again whenever I see you but I will remember the reason and see if it has been altered and realize we came together as different persons and go away as different. I will walk out politely so that bridge is not completely burnt.

Take care of yourself.

Previously yours,

GG

So many different people... I should just look around

So many different people… I should just look around

 

 

 

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Anybody But Not Him


Finally, today was the day… the day when I was finally going to tell her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. For days I have been struggling with myself every minute whether I should tell her the way I feel about her and the way she makes me feel.

The night was perfect. The moon was shining like a galleon, and a pleasant wind wafted across the moonlit night. I was going to meet her at the terrace, our spot since childhood. I was nervous as hell and I was just parading up and down. At last, I decided to kick-off the fear and climbed up the stairs. It was not at all easy. As more and more I climbed the stairs, even in such breezy atmosphere, I could literally feel the sweat sticking to my body. The voices in my head began to quarrel again, “No way man you can’t do that. You will lose her forever.” “Go Arjun Go. You should tell her. Perhaps she loves you too.” With the slightest of hope, I ascended the stairs and saw her standing there… her face glowing in moonlight and the wind playing with her hair, bringing them over and over her cheeks. “Tonight, I am going to propose a fairy”.

She was extraordinarily happy, she was blushing and she let out a large scream. I panicked, “Did she know already?” I saw the red rose in my hand and oorf, I forgot to hide it. She came running to me and hugged me, “I am sooooo happy today. Thank you.”

“Thank you!!!!”… I thought completely confused, “Whats happening here?” But I managed to utter, “Suhani, I am a little lost here. What’s going on?”

“Come on. Don’t act surprised. You already know” she said jumping around the whole terrace.

“What?”

“I am committed. Kabir proposed to me today and I said yes”.

I couldn’t believe my ears. “What???”

“Yes, I am in a relationship”.

The words hit me like a tornado hitting a house in North America. It could have blown or crushed me. Actually, it had but I needed to put a strong face and You know what, “It hurts…”

“Su, how??… when??”

“It started with fb chats. Then we started talking on the phone and soon we began to like each other and…” she blushed again.

Somehow the rose, which I bought, had a thorn and it started pricking me…

“And you never even bothered to tell me? Come on, we are friends since childhood”, totally surprised how one heart can handle various feelings so well – pain, anger, hurt,  disdain, appall.

She broke the eye-contact and looked down, “Well… I know you don’t like him.”

“Yeah Damn right…”, my anger getting better of me.

“Pleaseee… Know him. He is a sweet guy. Really”

“I don’t trust him.”

“WHY??”

I wondered why we are having this discussion again. She already knew my deep-rooted angst against him from our previous talks.

“My intuition tells me not to…” Since the day I met him, I had a strong feeling about him, a strong dislike, an aura of treachery.  An instinctive natural warning. Something struck me off about this guy.

“You know maybe you should start talking with him. He understands me, listens to me (pretends) and loves me(pretends). I also love him and…” She took a deep breath and threw lightning on me, “ I don’t care if you approve of it or not”

The thorn pricked further. Our Years of Friendship, those times when we just needed each other didn’t matter. All mattered was a few days interaction. I was at the verge of crying but I better hold up.

“You are right… Why should you care about my opinion? He is THE ONE right…” in a sarcastic tone. I needed to go, I could not bear any more. I turned my back.

“You are really being silly. Tell me what is this really about?” she demanded.

“Its about… shucks… I LOVE YOU and I cannot see you with him, especially him”, my eyes had started getting watered and I just stumped to my knees.

“Arjun, what?… what? You love me” Her eyes expanding in disbelief and she kneeled in front of me.

“But I never felt about you in that way… Please I don’t want to lose a friend. Accept us and move on..” She said, wiping the tears near my eyelids. If only, she could see the tears in my heart.

I gulped and begged, “Su, Anybody but not him?”

“I don’t get it…”

The girl whom I loved the most was with the boy I hated the most. “I don’t trust him”

“But I do and …”

“I know…” I stood up, turned away from her and headed to stairs.

When I was at the edge of stairs, she called, “You always said the best part of our friendship is we understand.”

I turned around and looked in her eyes, which were about to roll tears and said

“If Only you could…”

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Little Knowing…


When my eyes drifted on to you for the first time…

I couldn’t help but stare…

I watched you through the glass…

Going away from me…

Little knowing my heart with you…

.

When we met again,

My breaths became slower…

I couldn’t look straight into that mesmerizing eyes…

I stuttered and you thought I was this shy boy…

Little knowing the effect on me you have…

.

When we weren’t together,

All I could think was you…

My hands dialing your number…

But everytime just stopping…

Little knowing I would regret it forever…

.

When we became friends,

I just wished side-by-side forever we walk …

Pouring our hearts, gazing into each other’s soul and talk…

I prayed to keep that smile forever…

Little knowing I would be the one to turn it into tears…

.

When I finally took a step forward,

I opened my heart to you…

You felt offended and I hurt…

You wanted to be “Just Friends”…

Little knowing a word like “Friend” can be heart-shattering too…

Life going away

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A Journey that was worth…


Friends,

Recently, I had a most marvelous trip with my three musketeers (I mean friends). I had the… well, you can say the most interesting journey of my life…Crowded rail journey

To begin with, I had no ticket. I had an e-ticket which stuck at WL6 the last day and so, it got cancelled automatically. I didn’t give it much thought as I had assumed since the train was superfast, the crowd would be less. But as soon as the trains’ wheel began to halt at Allahabad station, my assumption crumbled. The train was literally jam-packed, overflowing with people of all shapes, sizes, colour and of course different natures. It would indeed be a blessing if one could find a place to stand (forget about sitting). I jumped into a coach only to find out there was absolutely no place and popped back. The only good that came out of the whole exercise was the breaking of the handle of my suitcase (being sarcastic). Alright, no time to curse but to find a little less crowded coach (if there was one). Going left, nopes, all coaches were crowded even more. Going right, I think I am done for, but hey Wait there’s a little space in that coach. Let’s board it.

Boarding and breaking of handle was only the beginning. Then, as soon as I occupied the area, it was time to face the heat from the reserved passengers (never mind, the 3 o’clock Allahabadi heat). There was this aunty who tried real hard to ward me off saying “I am not getting enough air” with fake gasps. I resorted to every non-ticketers line, “Bas thodi der, phir chala jaoonga”. Believe me, if anyone says this line to you, he isn’t planning to move. After standing for more than two hours or so, all my enthu and energy drained in sweat. I started seeking some place rather, people who would let me share their seat and after rolling my vision, I found an upper berth which was only occupied with luggage (not passengers). I asked the Marwari family, shifted the luggage a bit and settled myself at the edge. I could could feel the static strain developing in me.

This luxury (yes, luxury) was provided to me till 11 p.m. when their station came (and there goes my comfort) and another passenger boarded up, who was keen on sleeping himself (rather than letting his luggage :X :X). Fine. I was getting sleepy and the clock was already approaching the witch-hour.

So, I spread an old newspaper on the floor and sat on it using a sack containing onions as my back-support. Then I slept or rather say… attempted to sleep. During this whole time, I wished the TTE would come and scatter the crowd but I guess, the TTE wouldn’t dare face this much crowd.

Status quo continued till it was 3 A.M. An aunty realized my discomfiture and allowed me to sit on a part of her berth. It was not easy. I had to flash many friendly smiles the previous day in her direction and also, my college shirt did create an impression of ‘bechara’. Finally, at the first ray of Sun, the crowd subsided.

Rail JorneyAfter a while, a fat black-coated uncle came. Luckily, I was helping a family to shift their luggage. He enquired about my ticket and I said, “Its inside, I am coming”. I stood for a few extra moments making sure that luggage got comfortably deboarded (most importantly, TTE goes away). Luckily, the TTE had crossed my squatted seat by the time I returned. Acha, gone for good. I feared he or some other TTE may return but thankfully, none did.

It was only three hours left to reach my destination. Ah, TTE will not come now. Oops, I spoke too soon (speak of the devil) as suddenly a TTE appeared, but seeing a novel in my hand, simply passed off. (I wonder why people don’t read novels). I just looked down aisle and saw another TTE approaching. He gave an aura of more strictness. Rushing to the door of another coach, I stood for nearly half an hour and by that time, the black storm had passed.

And to my luck, there were no more hurdles in reaching back to my home city. To summarize, I endured a heavy crowded coach in a hot weather,  sat at a single place for nearly 5 hours,  spent a sleepless night,  i.e. on a floor and sack as pillow, escaped TTE thrice. I did say quite a journey.

Now why was it worth??

It was because I was going to Home and was going to meet my Mom & Dad

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